Men + Myself + God

Category: Operation Fall In LOVE

Operation FAIL (??) in LOVE: An Epilogue

by P. Braithwaite

The other day, I was writing about my love life thus far, and I accidentally wrote Operation FAIL in love instead of my usual “fall in love.”

Freudian slip? Probably.

Before I go further, there are a few things you should know: I don’t like to fail. I work very hard; I’m very smart, and I’m an impeccable student. This love life thing, though, is like a test that I cannot pass. Operation FAIL in love was like a punch in the stomach. I don’t know why I keep failing…

But maybe…failing isn’t what it seems.

I fell in love. At first it was by accident, and then it was on purpose. And now…it’s just over.

But, wait, it gets worse… the secret, the one of which I’m ashamed, is that I REALLY didn’t want it to be over. I actually fought being broken up with.

As I write this, I am aware that some of you will pity me, and some of you will laugh at me and maybe someone somewhere will relate. I’ll get a text in the middle of the day saying, “I’m sorry this happened” or “that dude must be such an asshole.” And I’ll be genuinely uncomfortable and embarrassed.

BUT — I’m telling you this anyway.

I am writing this because I am ashamed. I feel embarrassed and rejected and I have to release the shame. It doesn’t need to grow any larger than it has.

The real truth of love…is this:

There is NO SHAME in FIGHTING for love.
There is NO SHAME in FALLING in love.
There is NO SHAME in FAILING at love.

The bravery is in trying and in losing control…even if only for a moment. The bravery is in pulling yourself back together again. In being able to “go there” because you know, no matter what, you ALWAYS come back together…again.

If you’ve ever been where I am now – congratulate yourself. You’re an amazing mother f*cker; not everyone can do it. Don’t believe me? Psychology Today says I’m right.

So as I close out OPERATION FALL, I consider the operation a success. BLOGGER EMME has more dates than she can handle, and she loves her life more and more each day.

I, though sore and emotionally exhausted, understand that my heart is still very much intact. I fell and I felt with my entire self. Something I thought would never ever happen to me. Passion, for me, tends to show up on the page …I don’t usually get to experience it in my love life. To know that no matter what, I am capable of feeling deeply… is worth the epic failures and false starts.

And so, for that, I am grateful.

Mission accomplished, I guess…

Operation STAY in Love: On Trying

by P. Braithwaite

I have a secret: I’ve never believed in marriage.

People find this odd because my parents appear to have this wonderful and successful marriage…I never feared them getting a divorce or anything like that. Yet, for a long time, I just didn’t believe in the institution. It seemed too permanent to me. How can I know now what I will want for the rest of my life? It’s 8:30 as I type this, and I don’t know what I’m going to eat at 9 am.

When I was dating my ex-boyfriend, Dr. Dolittle (I’m going to start giving these guys names…the ex’s are piling up), I spent so much time being uncertain.

I asked my mother, “How do you know? How do you know you want to get married?”

“You don’t know,” she said.

I was at the table with both her and father sipping tea and eating bagels. This is their morning ritual. My father, at the time, was silent — he doesn’t really do well with emotions.

Now, I should note that whenever I’d asked people this question before, folks almost always said, “ohh, you just know.” Maybe that’s true. I’ll let you know when I get there, but that’s not what my mother told me.

“That’s bullshit,” my mother said. “You don’t ‘just know’ anything. What you do know is: you want to try.”

At the time her notion seemed ludicrous. The idea that you would link your entire life to someone on a “hope” or a “try” seemed dangerous and irrational. Furthermore, I don’t want to replicate my parents’ marriage. It works really well for them, but I want something different, and so her insight made me more fearful of commitment.

I thought: There has to be something to “know,” some tangible evidence that this is the person “for” you.

The truth is, three years later, I think my mother is more right than wrong (hi mom). I STILL believe there is a “soul knowing,” a part of you that feels like you are exactly where you are supposed to be, or a sense of intrinsic connection (though that doesn’t necessarily mean forever), but lately I’m realizing connection alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. More and more, I’m understanding commitments (not just romantic ones) are about a sincere and profound willingness to try.

A (soul) partner isn’t the magic elixir to your life.I don’t think that you look at them and discover that you’re magically equipped to deal w/ their shit, plus your shit, plus the random shit of life. They don’t hold your hand and make you less of a wounded mess. On the contrary, partners kick up shit, trigger insecurities (not purposely; that’s just mean) and shake you outside of yourself. They expose the broken bits and then — my guess is — you both must try to heal.

So even with the most passionate soul connection, there has to be a MUTUAL willingness to try…because 37 years later, whether you are soulmates or not, it comes down to two m-effers at a kitchen table eating onion bagels and talking about the leaky roof. And in those moments where one of you hasn’t yet researched a good roofer, or in the moments where your soulboo is a guy who smells like balls or a girl who hasn’t shaved her legs …you’ve both gotta WANT to try.

The truth is this: we at some point, almost inevitably, forget the person with whom we fell in love. We take loved ones for granted, and sometimes even soulmates, look like assholes.

And that’s when we have to try, and in trying, we take the risk of failing. And so some days, trying means not killing each other, and other times trying gives us energy to squint our eyes so we can actually see the person we “know” we’re meant to be with…

And some days, trying is just shutting the f*@k up.

But, if we can do that, if we can all manage to try…I’d bet this committment thing gets a little easier.

Operation FALL in love: BloggerEmme’s Last Post

by BLOGGERemme

Week Seven – Woo hoo!!! Finally I am at the end of my journey. I have arrived whole, strong, harmonious and powerful. I am here, further connected to myself and my spirituality after getting close to the depths of my soul.

Major Lessons Learned:

This journey has allowed me to grow and expand spiritually. I can truly say that I have embraced all aspects of me, including my vulnerability, the vulnerability that researcher and storyteller Brené Brown speaks of in On Vulnerability.

This journey that Marley and I embarked on, rocked me to the core but left me more aware, better prepared, more patient, in an amazing space of strength, and celebrating myself. Through this personal passage, I was able to take stock of the fears that I had and have, and learn how to deconstruct them. Life checked my integrity for quality assurance. I let go of the past and that which no longer serves me. My intuition is steadily used to help me move through all aspects of life and I am enjoying the shift in perspective of a ‘me’ to ‘we’ mentality. One of the changes that particularly brings a smile to my face is that I have made room for my passions, especially love. Not above all of my beautiful shifts, but still very important, through these last seven weeks I have set an intention on patiently, finding the man of my dreams.

I am love. I am ready. I am me!

Have I found my “One”? No not yet, but I am much better prepared for us to feel and experience each other when we arrive in each other’s life.

I love to share. I love to share my thoughts, my material goods, my food, my experience, my life. Sharing is a form of education. I shine when I share. On further thinking of a quote by Eckhart Tolle, presented in Week Seven, “Your task is not to search for love but to find a portal through which love can enter.”  I realized that sharing is my portal. As I share me. He will get to know me. As he gets to know me, he will share himself. Through this we will get to know each other and know quickly that love lies within each of us for the other.

Living a Charmed Life:

I once told my brother-from-another-mother that he lives a charmed life. That applies to me too. I live a life that I choose. That which I truly want, I have or experience. It is filled with beauty, love, health and wealth.  Soon my charmed life will be shared with my husband.

My husband,  the man in my dreams, hasn’t changed. His essence stills draws me closer and our souls still dance at night.

I have changed. I am the Big O and so is he.

Celebrate:

My mom has always said that I can find any reason to party. She’s right. To celebrate all the lessons learned from the relationships of my past. To honor those relationships and the valuable insights received. To celebrate the old emme and truly welcome the new, I want to have a quick dance party with one of my new favorite songs and video, Losing You by Solange. My party has my friends and my exes and everyone is on four-wheeled skates, rolling to the beat. My dance syncs with the beat of my desire and I sing along on my imaginary microphone.

Thank you for following me on my path to Calling in my “One”. Whatever journey you embark on, I hope that I have given you some thoughts to take with you.

‘A bit of advice given to a young Native American at the time of his initiation:

“As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm.

Jump.

It is not as wide as you think.”’

– Joseph Campbell

Cheers,

emme

Follow my journey.

Calling in “The One” [or] How I Met My Husband | BLOGGERemme: Starting the Course | Preparing for Love: It’s All About Me | Rough Waters | Calling in “The One” or Six Flags Sans Amusement | BLOGGERemme: Week Four and My Fortification | BLOGGERemme: Former Commitment-Phobe | BLOGGERemme: Don’t Choke the Baby