by P. Braithwaite
The other day, I was writing about my love life thus far, and I accidentally wrote Operation FAIL in love instead of my usual “fall in love.”
Freudian slip? Probably.
Before I go further, there are a few things you should know: I don’t like to fail. I work very hard; I’m very smart, and I’m an impeccable student. This love life thing, though, is like a test that I cannot pass. Operation FAIL in love was like a punch in the stomach. I don’t know why I keep failing…
But maybe…failing isn’t what it seems.
I fell in love. At first it was by accident, and then it was on purpose. And now…it’s just over.
But, wait, it gets worse… the secret, the one of which I’m ashamed, is that I REALLY didn’t want it to be over. I actually fought being broken up with.
As I write this, I am aware that some of you will pity me, and some of you will laugh at me and maybe someone somewhere will relate. I’ll get a text in the middle of the day saying, “I’m sorry this happened” or “that dude must be such an asshole.” And I’ll be genuinely uncomfortable and embarrassed.
BUT — I’m telling you this anyway.
I am writing this because I am ashamed. I feel embarrassed and rejected and I have to release the shame. It doesn’t need to grow any larger than it has.
The real truth of love…is this:
There is NO SHAME in FIGHTING for love.
There is NO SHAME in FALLING in love.
There is NO SHAME in FAILING at love.
The bravery is in trying and in losing control…even if only for a moment. The bravery is in pulling yourself back together again. In being able to “go there” because you know, no matter what, you ALWAYS come back together…again.
If you’ve ever been where I am now – congratulate yourself. You’re an amazing mother f*cker; not everyone can do it. Don’t believe me? Psychology Today says I’m right.
So as I close out OPERATION FALL, I consider the operation a success. BLOGGER EMME has more dates than she can handle, and she loves her life more and more each day.
I, though sore and emotionally exhausted, understand that my heart is still very much intact. I fell and I felt with my entire self. Something I thought would never ever happen to me. Passion, for me, tends to show up on the page …I don’t usually get to experience it in my love life. To know that no matter what, I am capable of feeling deeply… is worth the epic failures and false starts.
And so, for that, I am grateful.
Mission accomplished, I guess…