Men + Myself + God

Operation FALL in love: BloggerEmme’s Last Post

by BLOGGERemme

Week Seven – Woo hoo!!! Finally I am at the end of my journey. I have arrived whole, strong, harmonious and powerful. I am here, further connected to myself and my spirituality after getting close to the depths of my soul.

Major Lessons Learned:

This journey has allowed me to grow and expand spiritually. I can truly say that I have embraced all aspects of me, including my vulnerability, the vulnerability that researcher and storyteller Brené Brown speaks of in On Vulnerability.

This journey that Marley and I embarked on, rocked me to the core but left me more aware, better prepared, more patient, in an amazing space of strength, and celebrating myself. Through this personal passage, I was able to take stock of the fears that I had and have, and learn how to deconstruct them. Life checked my integrity for quality assurance. I let go of the past and that which no longer serves me. My intuition is steadily used to help me move through all aspects of life and I am enjoying the shift in perspective of a ‘me’ to ‘we’ mentality. One of the changes that particularly brings a smile to my face is that I have made room for my passions, especially love. Not above all of my beautiful shifts, but still very important, through these last seven weeks I have set an intention on patiently, finding the man of my dreams.

I am love. I am ready. I am me!

Have I found my “One”? No not yet, but I am much better prepared for us to feel and experience each other when we arrive in each other’s life.

I love to share. I love to share my thoughts, my material goods, my food, my experience, my life. Sharing is a form of education. I shine when I share. On further thinking of a quote by Eckhart Tolle, presented in Week Seven, “Your task is not to search for love but to find a portal through which love can enter.”  I realized that sharing is my portal. As I share me. He will get to know me. As he gets to know me, he will share himself. Through this we will get to know each other and know quickly that love lies within each of us for the other.

Living a Charmed Life:

I once told my brother-from-another-mother that he lives a charmed life. That applies to me too. I live a life that I choose. That which I truly want, I have or experience. It is filled with beauty, love, health and wealth.  Soon my charmed life will be shared with my husband.

My husband,  the man in my dreams, hasn’t changed. His essence stills draws me closer and our souls still dance at night.

I have changed. I am the Big O and so is he.

Celebrate:

My mom has always said that I can find any reason to party. She’s right. To celebrate all the lessons learned from the relationships of my past. To honor those relationships and the valuable insights received. To celebrate the old emme and truly welcome the new, I want to have a quick dance party with one of my new favorite songs and video, Losing You by Solange. My party has my friends and my exes and everyone is on four-wheeled skates, rolling to the beat. My dance syncs with the beat of my desire and I sing along on my imaginary microphone.

Thank you for following me on my path to Calling in my “One”. Whatever journey you embark on, I hope that I have given you some thoughts to take with you.

‘A bit of advice given to a young Native American at the time of his initiation:

“As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm.

Jump.

It is not as wide as you think.”’

– Joseph Campbell

Cheers,

emme

Follow my journey.

Calling in “The One” [or] How I Met My Husband | BLOGGERemme: Starting the Course | Preparing for Love: It’s All About Me | Rough Waters | Calling in “The One” or Six Flags Sans Amusement | BLOGGERemme: Week Four and My Fortification | BLOGGERemme: Former Commitment-Phobe | BLOGGERemme: Don’t Choke the Baby

BLOGGERemme: Don’t Choke the Baby

by BLOGGERemme

“It always boils down to the same thing – not only receiving love but desperately needing to give it.” – Audrey Hepburn

There is a moment, or three, before the completion of a project or a period of growth, where I am super quiet and reflect. Throughout, I normally will speak most of my “Aha!” moments to friends, contemplate lessons learned, internalize these lessons, finesse any positive change that came about, assess areas where I may need to go deeper in and fight off anxious desires to reach the end goal. This was no different and with one week left, it’s time for some checks; a fear check and a reality check.

Patia wrote a post recently that I swore she wrote from the depths of my heart. The need to love is strong within me. It has been there since I can remember. Instead of shrinking, that need has grown and I am fine tuning where it lands. When I am in a relationship I want to give love and receive it. While I don’t have an exhausted list, I like to give love by giving affection, saying and writing loving words, making love, taking trips together, spending time together, doing small, sweet things for my love and more. How I give love really depends on the tools that I have available to me. If I have nothing to work with then a massage it is; if I have the world to work with, watch out and prepare to be romanced. Knowing this about myself means that I really have to ensure that I choose the best person to give my love to. I am committed to this goal. It’s part of the “new” me.

I have shifted a lot over these past six weeks. I have faced fears, acknowledged and let go of the past, and prepped for my future with “The One”, but I realized this week that there is still one thing stopping me. Me.

What am I afraid of right now? Falling back into old patterns. Not living my dreams. Not trying. Not continuing. Not persisting. And not caring.

Can I deal with or handle this fear coming true? Yes. I can handle my fears if they were to come true, although deep down inside I know all these fears are of my imagination.

Can I avoid this fear coming true? If so how? Yes. I can avoid any of these fears coming true. By staying true to me, choosing me first, honoring my desires and stating them upfront, and taking full ownership of my love-life, none of my fears will even be fears anymore, let alone become a part of my reality.  

Is my fear, founded in reality? No. My fear is of my imagination and used to self-limit me.

My fear is a perverse way of me protecting myself from what it is that I want. I want to be happy. I want to be happy in love. My fear protects me from all the frogs and even the princes too. So that while I can still be generally happy, fear makes it quite hard for me to be happy in love. Somehow, love is supposed to break through my barrier, but as love is a verb and not a noun, it is quite impossible for that to happen of its own accord.

Katherine Woodward-Thomas states this clearly when she writes:

‘If we look at what we do, instead of what we say, we will see that, ultimately, most of us are more interested in protecting ourselves from the risks of love than in the actual experience of it. We go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the possibility of being hurt, regardless of the hunger in our hearts. We rarely own outright how often we sabotage love by admitting, “I am more interested in being safe than I am in being loved.”’

As I move forward and make myself available to available men, state what I want at the beginning, choose me first, receive and allow myself to be vulnerable; as I strengthen these new ways I have to remember what John, my seventh-grade teacher, would say as we handed in our homework assignments “Take your time and hurry up.” I feel like I am prepping too much, over-thinking, overanalyzing, over-searching. I am hurrying up and not taking my time in parallel. I am “choking the baby”. Reality check, through fear, I am squeezing the life out of something before I give it the chance to blossom. Now, I need to let things be. I need to let love in and be open to love, but not beat it over the head and make it come away with me. And that is exactly what I will do. I am committed to giving my love and receiving love and being happy in it.

Have you given yourself a fear check and/or a reality check lately? What are you committed to but stopping yourself from experiencing?

Cheers,

emme

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BLOGGERemme, Former Commitment-Phobe

by BLOGGERemme

It’s Week Five, and at this point in my journey I feel great. I’m happy with the changes that I am making. As situations or old habits come up, I am navigating through them. I’m feeling comfortable in understanding how I have played a big role in being where I am, and how I will play an even bigger and active role in being where I want to be.

I am also feeling slightly impatient. I want my husband to be revealed to me soon, so that we may continue on with life together. While I am still focused on my journey, it’s been a long journey. I am patiently eager (winkface) for Week 7 to come.

What was alarmingly clear this week, is something that a good friend called me out on in the past. I am a commitment-phobe. How is this even possible? Easy! I did a test and jotted down my first answers (without thinking) to the following questions, “What am I committed to?” The most notable answer missing was me. If I am not committed to myself then it will be that much harder for me to enter into a committed relationship with someone else and vice versa. If I don’t commit to myself, how will he commit to me?

What does committing to myself mean? Well, for one thing it means being true to myself and my desires. It means putting me first. As I started to freak out about how to address my phobia, I slowed down. I took some long deep breaths and realized that by going through this journey to call in “my one,” I was actually committing to myself and putting myself first.

The first responses to my question of “What do I commit myself to?” were:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • Living a happy life
  • Traveling

At first I felt sad that these were the only things that I listed. The interests that I have (like writing and making jewelry), the projects that I am involved with, none of them made it to my list. I wanted to cry, but didn’t because in full truth they all comprise and make up me “living a happy life.” I just bubbled them all up to a high level category, my list would be too long otherwise. I am fulfilled when I make jewelry and write. Those two activities alone add immensely to the happy life that I live. This overreaction was just an old bad habit that needed to be checked; just another case of me being hard on myself.

I remember some time ago telling a good friend of mine that I wanted the type of love that I experienced in my late teen years, minus the drama and inevitable teenage feelings of insecurity. The love that I experienced during that time was passionate and intense. It had the unspoken feeling of infinity attached to it. We behaved as if we were a new family unit. It was fun, free and thrilling. It rivaled the famous love stories you learn about growing up. There was such a connection to my partner and I want that and more with my husband-to-be. Katherine Woodward-Thomas nails it when she writes:

“In the context of lifelong partnership, love is not an emotion. Love is a course, an utterly steadfast, stable path that deviates not in the face of hardship or challenge. It is an undeniably fixed and invariable promise that does not waver, even in the face of death.”

In Lesson 8 of Week Three, we consider that in order gain something, we must give up or lose something. In this spirit I had the following dialogue with myself:

What do I have to lose to get the love that I want? My Fear

What am I afraid of? Making the wrong decision and thinking that it was all in vain.

This conversation was followed by a reality check. I design my life and my happiness. I steer my path, and so it will all be worth it because I will marry the man in my dreams. It will all be worth it because I will not waver from my course. As such, I will maintain my happiness.

To get to happily ever after, I will actively face my fear — based in the special place that houses my imagination- and move through it so that it is no longer a part of me. I will actively communicate my desires to potential partners and listen to their’s. This will ensure that we are both headed in the same direction. Finally together with my husband, we can be committed to and perpetuate, living a happy life.

How are you actively playing a role in the life that you are committed to?

Cheers,

emme

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