On Standby

by P. Braithwaite

ON NOWI will never forget the feeling I had when The Besticle came back the second time (only to disappear months later). I was so primed. I was so ripe and ready to be loved. I had done months of soul-searching and my heart was ready to explode. He called. I answered.

He was forgiven before he even asked.

The night we reconciled, I was a goner. The truth is, I felt love in the tips of my big toes. I’d felt love in my head before and I’d felt the warmth of my heart, but there was a tingling in my big toe that felt like glitter. It was warm and shinny. Intoxicating and exciting. I felt like I discovered my own magic.

I floated into my apartment that night, and stretched myself across the bed; then I called my three best friends.

“I feel love in my toes,” I babbled incoherently. “I’m going to go all into this. And so I need you all to hold the fear. I need you all to be on standby if this goes horribly wrong.”

My friends were gracious. They held my caution (and their tongues). They’d seen me through the first breakup, and they were happy I was happy. They knew, however, this would probably go wrong.

And, of course, it did. It went horribly horribly wrong…

And I forgot I’d even asked them to hold my worries.

I completely forgot I’d been smart enough to ask my friends to hold my caution, and I admonished myself for not worrying enough. I shamed myself for being stupid; For not knowing to that, eventually, the tingles would turn to pain.

But I was smart enough. I’d asked for support and then I committed whole heartedly.

It has set a precedent for going forward.

I’ve been rather quiet lately, taking stock of who I am, and preparing to take new risks. I’m writing a book, turning thirty, and planning to squat a while in Brazil. I’m online dating, and I’m running my first blog workshop in September. I’m finally committing to a vision for my business.

I’m finally committed to myself. These risks all give me butterflies and tingles. These risks require partners-in-crime to hold the fear.

My sincerest hope for you is that you have someone to hold your fears so you can focus on your vision. It is important that YOU hold and keep the vision for yourself. Ask your friends to hold the fear, ask them to be on standby, then take the leap toward the future you desire.

Come what may, you will absorb the fall: there will be bumps…shit might get a little scary…there’s a slight chance it might even go to shit…

But remember to love yourself because an ill-fatted plan helps refine the larger vision. No choice, done in earnest, is a mistake. These choices are the way we grow ourself.

Pull in your reinforcements; then go for it!!

I’ve missed you guys! What are you working on? I’ll hold some of your fear if you’ll hold mine. 🙂