Today is not my birthday (but that won’t stop me). #blogchallenge

by P. Braithwaite

20140515-005924.jpg

When I was eleven I was painfully shy (like really really shy). I was super skinny and awkward with fizzy hair and ill-fitting clothes (my brothers clothes). I wanted to be a boy, and I wasn’t quite sure I was good at being anyone’s version of a girl…most of all, I wanted to be my older brother.

Bit by bit, I’ve learned how to become myself. Day by day, I’ve tiptoed closer to the truth of my own soul. Hour by hour, I’ve expanded my definition of who I am. Minute by minute I play hide and seek with my dreams…

I’m alive. I’m awake. I am proud.

I turn 30 in exactly 30 days and the truth is I feel…everything. I am so proud of who I’ve become. I’m proud of my ability to thrive after a storm. I’m delighted that, by the grace of God ( and despite a few gray hairs), I’ve inherited that good black that doesn’t crack. I’m proud that I’ve achieved my dreams: a life that is about sharing my passions, writing that finds an audience, work that is fulfilling, and heart that is creative.

I’m fulfilled, but I’m also very scared.

I am thirty days away from thirty and I am unmarried. I am a different kind of black statistic: unmarried black woman with an advanced degree. I’m 30 days away from 30 with a laundry list of failed relationships that are available for any suitor to find via google search. I’m thirty days away from thirty with no real nest egg, and a laughable salary. I am 30 days away from thirty, and I don’t yet feel like an adult.

In the same way that I was an awkward tomboy spouting breasts against my will, I seem to be moving into adulthood, and I’m scared. I’m scared that, with all I’ve accomplished, maybe I’m still not enough.

But what I do know is this… as I tiptoe toward 30 and tred into the unknown…I do not march toward thirty alone.

And for that I’m grateful.

I’m blessed to have found the most vibrant friends on the planet: ascended masters playing dress up as earthlings and fools…whole people who love me as I am. I’m grateful to have a family that understands my journey (maybe more than I do). I’m blessed to love myself more ferociously — standing routed in my commitment to my own expansion.

For better or worse, I am myself.

I’ve been gone for a while, and the honest truth is that I don’t know if I’m going to continue this blog. So here’s my plan: for the next thirty days I’m making a commitment to show up and write here in this space. I guess this is a bday blogging challenge of sorts… and on my bday…30 days from today, I’ll know what I’m doing with this space.

So that’s where I am…30 days away from 30…afraid and excited but with so much support that I know I can glide through what’s ahead.

Please know that I’m always traveling beside me. I say today what I’ve said for the past two years: you are never ever ever…alone. Even if I don’t show up in this space.

And so it is.

Advertisements