If You’ve Ever Felt Jealous…
by P. Braithwaite
When I broke up with The Besticle I quarantined myself. I didn’t hang out with people for various reasons: I wasn’t ready to talk about the breakup and I was really busy being jealous of all the people who were happier than me.
Specifically, my writer friend RP.
See, RP and I had similar relationship trajectories. We fell in love around the same time, experienced a breakup around the same time, and we both ended up back with our beaus. Until, of course, The Besticle and I broke up. And so, faced with all this shame around what my breakup must have looked like, I spent lots of time imagining how happy RP was and how stupid I must’ve looked. I imagined everyone was laughing at me. I imagined that RP and other friends were judging me for ending up in the same place twice. I channeled all my anger toward my friend who I assumed was happy and in love.
Once I fully exhausted that train of thought, I’d sober up and promptly berate myself for being a jealous b*tch. I’d then transition into feeling shitty about feeling my jealous feelings.
Why am I sharing this? Because, I’m here to testify that jealousy happens. I’m gonna say that again: jealousy happens to be best of us.
We get jealous of our friends when they are doing things we want to do. We get jealous of colleagues because we think they’re better than us. We get jealous of people we don’t even know, without knowing the truth behind our longing. We project elaborate fantasies, and make ourselves feel bad. We imagine we aren’t enough.
If you’ve never been jealous, I’m jealous of you.❤
I know. Jealousy sucks and its not something we should strive for, but here’s what I absolutely know for sure: We can be jealous of people we love. We can be jealous of people WHILE we love them. We can be jealous and still be lovable. There is no circumstance in this life, no feeling you can feel, that makes you unworthy of love. Your jealousy doesn’t make you a bad guy.
I once read that jealousy helps you realize what you want. Maybe that’s true, but even if its not, jealousy is just a feeling and all feelings eventually pass. Nothing lasts forever. We’re allowed to have uncomfortable. We’re allowed to be less than perfect.
It’s all good.
So today, I stand in the admission that I’ve been a green-eyed monster. And I learned to love myself anyway. What’s meant for us in this life is on it’s way.
In the meantime, just do the best you can.
And so it is.