10 Reasons Every Single Woman Needs A Mom Friend (#31writenow, #nablopomo)

by P. Braithwaite

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The other day my best friend Trela remarked that she needed more sober friends. I shrugged and looked over my left shoulder. I think I’m the most sober friend she has.

“Yeah,” she added. “If I had sober friends we could like go hiking or something.”

“Hmmm…dunno if you need sober friends, but you know what you really need?

“What?”

“A mom friend. Mom friends are the best.”

Here are 10 reasons every single woman should have a mom friend (like mine):

1. Mom friends have snacks.
I don’t know when exactly it happens, but every mother I know has a bag of bountiful pleasures. Cookies, cupcakes, carrots, a turkey sandwich, a portable crockpot full of kosher brisket – if you have a mom friend, you will never go hungry. If you’re a mom and I’m your friend, your child might starve as a result of my gluttony. I’m sorry. Plan accordingly.

2. Mom friends hang out in the park.
Luckily for me I’m a lady. This means, on any given day, I can go to the park, sit on a bench and NOT look like a child molester. If you are not a lady, then having a mom friend allows you to sit in the park without being considered a creeper. By the way, parks are awesome! They have trees, children laugh and run around high on sugar. You can read a book, catch a breeze and/or people-watch. Moms get to spend hours in the park contemplating the nature of the universe. Actually, your mom friend will spend lots of time and energy making sure her kids don’t fall on their heads or play with crack vials. Whatevs. If you roll with them, YOU can spend hours contemplating the nature of the universe.

3. Being around kids gives you an excuse to act like one.
Jump around, play tag, antagonize the kid…chances are you will push the limits of acceptable ‘acting like a kid’ behavior several times, and your mom friend will give you a withering mom-glance. This means you’ve gone too far and you’re annoying everyone around you. Take it down a notch otherwise this mom might stop being your friend.

4. Mom friends have (limited but adequate) patience and empathy for your tantrums.
I’m going to tell you guys a secret: I’m a bit of a diva. I have, what I call, lady tantrums. I get upset. I don’t want to do things. I ball my fists, sit down on the floor, and refuse to move. My mom friend looks at me with her mom eyes, puts her arms around me and says, “P, GET IT THE F*CK TOGETHER.” Only, she uses firm and loving mom-speak. Maybe she says, “it’s time to be a big girl, Patty.” I dunno what she says, but when she uses soft mom tones and firm glances, I stop crying, I get up, and I get it the f*ck together. It’s like magic.

5. Mom friends have deep wisdom that comes from, you know, having real problems (i.e. you’re boyfriend drama isn’t important when their kid just projectile vomited on the monkey bars).
See #4. Moms can tell you firmly to shut up because, well, they have real problems. And, even in the height of our woes and despair, we don’t have to keep a human being alive. So we know, at the end of the day, we’re full of shit. Mom friends never come out and say this, but when they tell you that you need to relax – they’re automatically credible.

6. You get to watch something someone grow without being responsible for it.
My favorite thing to do is wax poetic about how big my friend’s kid is getting. The kid will burp or raise a seemingly sound objection, and I’ll be all: OMGSHEHASANOPINION How CUUUUUTE! Then I launch into a diatribe about how we are all souls on an infinite journey and we’re infinitely wise, blah blah blah. I suspect it’s much easier to do this when you don’t have to actually keep the kid from swallowing paint chips something.

7. Kids are really f*cking funny and smart.

KID: P, are you sick?
ME: Yeah…I don’t feel good.
KID: I used to be sick…
ME: Yeah, I heard. What’d you do?
KID: I turned five.

KID: (pulls my hair)
ME: Stop.
KID: (smacks me on the back)
ME: Hmmmm…let’s play a game. Whatever you do to me, I’ll do back to you. Deal?
(Silence)
KID: (quietly) Okay, how about I hug you…

8. You get to go to toy stores more often than necessary.
It is fun to pick up awesome toys, show them to the kid and say “Isn’t this the coolest thing ever.” Then, if you’re a broke writer like moi, you flee the scene and let your mom friend deal with the repercussions of your actions (see rule #3). Besides that though, it’s really fun to watch kids get excited about toys, movies, pizza, the park, juice boxes, cartoons, sunlight, action figures, and (my favorite) seeing you when they’ve already seen you twice this week. It’s also equally fun to watch kids dissolve into their emotions – anger, sadness, fear, elation — without any regard for appropriateness. Kids are such passionate little monsters. So entertaining…

9. Two Words – Kid movies.
Toy Story 3 made me cry. Despicable Me deserved an Oscar. #theend

10. You find creative ways to talk about Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll.
This becomes even more useful if you’re a writer or creative person. Speaking in metaphor (and seeing how far you can stretch said metaphor) is good for the soul.

 

From what I understand, mom friends sometimes feel like they need other mom friends who understand them; maybe that’s true, but I’m thankful that I get to be friends with women who are raising small human beings. Especially since most of my friends are also raising me. My heart and my belly are grateful. If you don’t have a mom friend, you should go to your nearest park and find one. (PLEASE NOTE: that might not work.)

Do you have a mom friend? Mom friends, are there reasons why your childless friends are awesome?

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