Kim Kardashian is Doing God’s Work: Vol. 1

by P. Braithwaite

I am learning to see the beauty in what is — not what I want it to be, nor what it was, one time, six months ago, nor what it will be in the future. I am learning to see the beauty in what is — right now — in this moment.

At least that’s what I’m trying to learn. Some moments it’s easier than others.

I’m becoming disillusioned with new-thought, new-age philosophy, and aggressive positive thinking. I’m becoming disillusioned because, to be human, is to tap into a range of emotions. To be human is to feel anger, to cry rageful tears, to feel fear so deeply you cower into a ball. To be human is to feel the horrible mix of emotions that come up when you stumble and fall.

Being human is being pregnant in stilettos — a sincere attempt at elegance that often doesn’t work.

I am learning a lot over the last two weeks. I’m learning about my shadow side — the side of me that is angry, hurtful, sarcastic and distrustful. The side of me that wants to burn my gratitude journal and dance naked around the flame. I’m learning to make friends with my shadow. I am learning to make friends with whatever comes up.

For once, I don’t feel like splattering my woundedness all over the Internet — all public pain starts as private indignation. I am privately indignant. And, to top it off, I have resistance to the persona in my head — the sad person, the clingy person, the jealous person, the critic, the girl with low-self esteem, the girl who cannot forgive herself. I’m resisting the “negative” person, the cynical person, the person who doesn’t believe that happiness is a choice.

That girl is not the girl who writes the blogs. I’m resisting the girl who goes out and finds stuff to write about. That girl keeps my life interesting.

I’m struggling to learn that she’s not half bad.

It is easy to say we must release emotions that don’t serve us. It’s easy to read a book and work REALLY hard at transcending these thoughts, choosing new thoughts, but I’m learning that attaching to better thoughts isn’t more enlightened — it’s simply the other side of the same superficial action. Positive thoughts aren’t, inherently, more meaningful than negative ones. The goal, I imagine, is to realize that all thoughts are equally mundane.

Though, admittedly, pleasant thoughts feel better.

When I meditate, I imagine myself on a train platform watching trains go by. When I find myself invested in my thoughts, I realize I’ve boarded a train. I get off the train, sit on the platform and continue to watch the trains of thought go by.

I have to let the trains of thought pass by.

I’m learning it’s not our job to clean up the mess of our minds. Mastery of the mind isn’t, necessarily, control. I’m learning that, instead, its acceptance. We can try, but the mind is like a ceaseless stream — it does not stop. It does not waiver, and it does not discern.

The mind doesn’t really care what you think…

So, instead, we must make friends with what shows up. We must not reject the parts of ourselves that are uncomfortable, unfavorable, or unflattering. Nor should we cling to the happy, positive, interesting thoughts. They are just as fleeting as the negative ones. In any given moment we are changing and stretching. Who we are today is not who we will be tonight. Cohesion is a myth…

So rediscover yourself in every moment. Allow yourself to perpetually be a stranger you keep meeting. Make friends with who shows up, maintain a playful curiosity, then wish her well and allow her to leave your side when it’s time.

Nothing lasts forever.

Nor should it.