Trust and Other Drugs
by P. Braithwaite
When my relationship with Dr. Dolittle ended, I went home to live with my parents for about a month. I was so shaken from the experience I couldn’t be alone. I needed to be with people I could trust. My parents, having managed to keep me alive most of my life, seemed like they would be a perfect fit.
Why was I so shaken? I had organized the world around the love of
a fucking idiot Dr. Dolittle. I offered to relocate when he asked, and I took him in when his life imploded. I was crushed under his strangeness and his depression, and his mood-swings. I was miserable and I didn’t even know it.
Dr. Dolittle cheated on me (which was devastating enough), but he also spun an intricate web of sickness, shame, and lies. Lies that were deep-seated and dangerous. The type of lies that made me change my locks and debit card information. I felt unsafe on every single level. I trusted someone I did not truly know. I didn’t feel safe in my own body. Every lie was a robbery…a violation of my freedom, and somehow I let the whole thing happen.
I didn’t trust myself, so I went home.
“The saddest part is you’ll probably never trust the same again,” my mother said. This was a few weeks after I showed up at her home and didn’t leave. “You’ll always be a little more cautious.”
I insisted that The best thing about me was my ability to trust. I wouldn’t let this experience ruin that for me.
As usual, my mother was right.
I struggle with trust. I blink quickly and infrequently so as not to miss a beat, but I am learning that trust is an internal situation. Like love and other drugs, its not something outside of us. If I can trust myself, I can trust the entire world because I know, no matter what, I’ll survive the blow of any deception. People lie, people cheat, people deceive each other…but all I must do is trust myself and the God within.
The Universe always provides.
Dr. Dolittle’s dishonesty was a blessing in disguise. He didn’t victimize me; he set me free. The universe (and snooping thru emails) gave me the truth and I used it to buy my freedom. So here’s the lesson; the real reason we can trust again: if we walk into deception, we don’t typically get too far. Somehow the lies seek light, and we can make an informed choice. Through tears, agony, and a stay in your parent’s home…you’ll find a way to rebuild. And in sorting thru the ruins and processing the pain, you learn to trust yourself. Again.
How do you manage to keep trusting yourself?