by P. Braithwaite
It is the sad reality of life that I cannot be all things to all people. Most days I fall short of being all things to myself. Shit, most days I am last on my list. I see myself through the lens of reflected appraisal – My worth is often measured by how happy I make the people who live in my space. I am only as good as my last hit; the fat Elvis of my own damn life…
The truth is, I cannot always live up to the standards I’ve set up for myself. I set a really high standard, but I fall short. I betray myself. I betray the people I love. I fuck up. I gossip. I can be mean, cunning and critical. I can hurt people unintentionally and my snarky comments can maim. I am a work in progress. We are works in process…
I’m am learning. Always learning. One of my best attributes is seeing the humanity in everyone. I just need to see the humanity in myself as well. I’m learning to love the slowest parts of myself. I’m learning to forgive my flaws even if others can’t. I am generous with others — I share everything I have, but I must learn to be generous with myself. I’m not perfect; but I’m completely beautiful and worthy of real love. I am learning that I am someone I can trust. Lucky for me, when humans fail each other, the universe will always provide. One way or another, God course-corrects for us. For this, I’m eternally grateful.
I’m going to go into cyber-silence for the next week (that’s about three blog posts). If my body were a cup it would be almost empty. I have to recharge myself. I’m learning that I must keep things to myself. Sometimes, I need to go within. Sometimes I need to take pressure off of myself, and abandon the need to show up for others. Sometimes I need to get reconnected to my own truths.
When I was in high school, I would sneak into my friend’s religion class and leave quotes on the blackboard. Sometimes these quotes were original, and sometimes they were from great thinkers and poets. Apparently the teacher loved them, and devoted class time to discussing them. She really wanted to know who was writing them, but my friend’s never told.
Sometimes I got requests, “Make it a long quote today, Pati. We’ve got a theology quiz.”
By the grace of God, I continue to evolve. At my best (and my worst), I’m still an awkward high school student, writing quotes on a black board because my friend’s tell me it’s cool. It’s amazing how hints of who you become are sprinkled in your past. Sometimes we have to stop and reconnect.
How are you becoming the person you’ve been all along?