Operation Fall in Love: Surrender tastes like chicken.

by P. Braithwaite

I have a fascination with “knowing” things. I read tarot cards, study my horoscope, read books, and meditate in an effort to get to the wisest part of myself. When that doesn’t work, I flip a coin. I need to know myself. I am always trying to know myself. In my mind, if I can touch the wisest part of myself then I won’t need to be fully present to life. I won’t need to feel as deeply – or I can, at least, avoid feeling the shitty parts. I need to know everything. I try very hard to think of every possibility so as to avoid failure.

But I can’t.

More and more, I am learning that I’ll make myself crazy trying to protect myself from the unknown. I’ll make myself sick trying to read and understand the ways that life works. I’m not in control. There are things I cannot understand. I can’t protect myself from mistakes, from hurt, from surprises. I cannot, no matter how I try, know everything.

But I can…believe. I can pray. I can lose myself in moments, and give things my all. I can reduce fear and lean into the feelings even when they are scary and uncomfortable. I can trust myself without trying to know the outcome. I can cry. I like to cry. I can fall in love and out of love and in love again. I can feel sad, and feel my way through darkness. I can love. I’m really really good at that, at loving people, even when I’m doing it wrong.

Today I surrender to the unknown. I place faith in that which is beyond my limited vision, and I trust in the cycles and rhythms of life. Today, I don’t “know” …I just love.

It’s the only thing I can do.

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