BLOGGERemme: Don’t Choke the Baby
“It always boils down to the same thing – not only receiving love but desperately needing to give it.” – Audrey Hepburn
There is a moment, or three, before the completion of a project or a period of growth, where I am super quiet and reflect. Throughout, I normally will speak most of my “Aha!” moments to friends, contemplate lessons learned, internalize these lessons, finesse any positive change that came about, assess areas where I may need to go deeper in and fight off anxious desires to reach the end goal. This was no different and with one week left, it’s time for some checks; a fear check and a reality check.
Patia wrote a post recently that I swore she wrote from the depths of my heart. The need to love is strong within me. It has been there since I can remember. Instead of shrinking, that need has grown and I am fine tuning where it lands. When I am in a relationship I want to give love and receive it. While I don’t have an exhausted list, I like to give love by giving affection, saying and writing loving words, making love, taking trips together, spending time together, doing small, sweet things for my love and more. How I give love really depends on the tools that I have available to me. If I have nothing to work with then a massage it is; if I have the world to work with, watch out and prepare to be romanced. Knowing this about myself means that I really have to ensure that I choose the best person to give my love to. I am committed to this goal. It’s part of the “new” me.
I have shifted a lot over these past six weeks. I have faced fears, acknowledged and let go of the past, and prepped for my future with “The One”, but I realized this week that there is still one thing stopping me. Me.
What am I afraid of right now? Falling back into old patterns. Not living my dreams. Not trying. Not continuing. Not persisting. And not caring.
Can I deal with or handle this fear coming true? Yes. I can handle my fears if they were to come true, although deep down inside I know all these fears are of my imagination.
Can I avoid this fear coming true? If so how? Yes. I can avoid any of these fears coming true. By staying true to me, choosing me first, honoring my desires and stating them upfront, and taking full ownership of my love-life, none of my fears will even be fears anymore, let alone become a part of my reality.
Is my fear, founded in reality? No. My fear is of my imagination and used to self-limit me.
My fear is a perverse way of me protecting myself from what it is that I want. I want to be happy. I want to be happy in love. My fear protects me from all the frogs and even the princes too. So that while I can still be generally happy, fear makes it quite hard for me to be happy in love. Somehow, love is supposed to break through my barrier, but as love is a verb and not a noun, it is quite impossible for that to happen of its own accord.
Katherine Woodward-Thomas states this clearly when she writes:
‘If we look at what we do, instead of what we say, we will see that, ultimately, most of us are more interested in protecting ourselves from the risks of love than in the actual experience of it. We go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the possibility of being hurt, regardless of the hunger in our hearts. We rarely own outright how often we sabotage love by admitting, “I am more interested in being safe than I am in being loved.”’
As I move forward and make myself available to available men, state what I want at the beginning, choose me first, receive and allow myself to be vulnerable; as I strengthen these new ways I have to remember what John, my seventh-grade teacher, would say as we handed in our homework assignments “Take your time and hurry up.” I feel like I am prepping too much, over-thinking, overanalyzing, over-searching. I am hurrying up and not taking my time in parallel. I am “choking the baby”. Reality check, through fear, I am squeezing the life out of something before I give it the chance to blossom. Now, I need to let things be. I need to let love in and be open to love, but not beat it over the head and make it come away with me. And that is exactly what I will do. I am committed to giving my love and receiving love and being happy in it.
Have you given yourself a fear check and/or a reality check lately? What are you committed to but stopping yourself from experiencing?