BLOGGERemme, Former Commitment-Phobe
It’s Week Five, and at this point in my journey I feel great. I’m happy with the changes that I am making. As situations or old habits come up, I am navigating through them. I’m feeling comfortable in understanding how I have played a big role in being where I am, and how I will play an even bigger and active role in being where I want to be.
I am also feeling slightly impatient. I want my husband to be revealed to me soon, so that we may continue on with life together. While I am still focused on my journey, it’s been a long journey. I am patiently eager (winkface) for Week 7 to come.
What was alarmingly clear this week, is something that a good friend called me out on in the past. I am a commitment-phobe. How is this even possible? Easy! I did a test and jotted down my first answers (without thinking) to the following questions, “What am I committed to?” The most notable answer missing was me. If I am not committed to myself then it will be that much harder for me to enter into a committed relationship with someone else and vice versa. If I don’t commit to myself, how will he commit to me?
What does committing to myself mean? Well, for one thing it means being true to myself and my desires. It means putting me first. As I started to freak out about how to address my phobia, I slowed down. I took some long deep breaths and realized that by going through this journey to call in “my one,” I was actually committing to myself and putting myself first.
The first responses to my question of “What do I commit myself to?” were:
- Living a happy life
At first I felt sad that these were the only things that I listed. The interests that I have (like writing and making jewelry), the projects that I am involved with, none of them made it to my list. I wanted to cry, but didn’t because in full truth they all comprise and make up me “living a happy life.” I just bubbled them all up to a high level category, my list would be too long otherwise. I am fulfilled when I make jewelry and write. Those two activities alone add immensely to the happy life that I live. This overreaction was just an old bad habit that needed to be checked; just another case of me being hard on myself.
I remember some time ago telling a good friend of mine that I wanted the type of love that I experienced in my late teen years, minus the drama and inevitable teenage feelings of insecurity. The love that I experienced during that time was passionate and intense. It had the unspoken feeling of infinity attached to it. We behaved as if we were a new family unit. It was fun, free and thrilling. It rivaled the famous love stories you learn about growing up. There was such a connection to my partner and I want that and more with my husband-to-be. Katherine Woodward-Thomas nails it when she writes:
“In the context of lifelong partnership, love is not an emotion. Love is a course, an utterly steadfast, stable path that deviates not in the face of hardship or challenge. It is an undeniably fixed and invariable promise that does not waver, even in the face of death.”
In Lesson 8 of Week Three, we consider that in order gain something, we must give up or lose something. In this spirit I had the following dialogue with myself:
What do I have to lose to get the love that I want? My Fear
What am I afraid of? Making the wrong decision and thinking that it was all in vain.
This conversation was followed by a reality check. I design my life and my happiness. I steer my path, and so it will all be worth it because I will marry the man in my dreams. It will all be worth it because I will not waver from my course. As such, I will maintain my happiness.
To get to happily ever after, I will actively face my fear — based in the special place that houses my imagination- and move through it so that it is no longer a part of me. I will actively communicate my desires to potential partners and listen to their’s. This will ensure that we are both headed in the same direction. Finally together with my husband, we can be committed to and perpetuate, living a happy life.
How are you actively playing a role in the life that you are committed to?