Calling in “The One” or Six Flags Sans Amusement
This week’s lesson was a balancing act of understanding the historical and external influences that aided in creating my existing foundation in concert with my current and internal core beliefs about myself. When speaking to Patia about Week Three I referred to it as “Six Flags without the amusement.”
If I have not stated this before, then I will state it now, Katherine Woodward-Thomas is taking me there.
Let’s start with my sense of self. Before this week, had you asked me if I had a solid sense of self, my response would have been ‘Yes.’ After this week I will answer ‘Yes’ even louder. Katherine references psychotherapist James Masterson’s Search for the Real Self and his six premises that one needs to behold, to have a solid sense of self.
1. The capacity to experience a wide variety of feelings, as well as an ability to soothe painful feelings in a positive way;
2. The ability to express your thoughts and feelings authentically to another person without too much fear of either being engulfed or abandoned;
3. The capacity to tolerate your own aloneness;
4. A healthy sense of entitlement that life holds good things for you and that you deserve to have them;
5. The ability to assert your individuality and authenticity in the world; and
6. A stability of self, meaning that you are always aware that you are the same person regardless of who you are with, what you are doing, or the current circumstances (both good and bad) of your life.
I’m happy with my self-assessment. In trying to understand how I reached this solid state, I think back to the first time one of my mom’s lessons clicked. To paraphrase, she would advise us to reflect on our life. Reflection has allowed me to remove toxic people from my life, maintain a consistent and stable character, be in touch with my feelings, and take actions, such as Calling in “The One”, to continually and perpetually make myself happy. And with this solid sense of self I was able to really go deep on the lessons and understand what it is that I felt I truly had been needing for a long time and the connection there was to my behavior with the people that I have dated.
I was shown this week that I must give to myself that which I desire, seek, and need before it can be given to me from another person. And so I now will give myself love and approval. I will choose myself first if that is what I truly want from my partner. I will be available to myself if I want to find a man that is available to me. I learned and immediately began practicing this very valuable lesson. Such simple tenets that seem obvious, but we no longer teach, expose or discuss the obvious. What we consider to be obvious we have summarized and put away with the well known saying “I won’t state the obvious.” Since August of this year, when I felt like I was learning, relearning and internalizing simple obvious truths, I have begun saying “If it is obvious then it should be stated.”Awareness is a beautiful thing and action that comes from awareness is gorgeous.
Going into this I knew there were going to be tough moments. I knew that there were going to be many lessons learned and that there was going to be some internal shifting. Because of this I knew I would need to give myself a lot of love and care. This week made me realize that I would need to step up that self-love and care, a lot!
The real challenge for me this week was the mental challenge on the idea of surrender. The notion of surrender had always resonated negative, submissive feelings within me. Rightfully so; as a verb, Oxford dictionary defines surrender as:
1)…stop resisting to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority:
Give in to (a powerful emotion or influence):
2) Give up or hand over (a person, right, or possession), typically on compulsion or demand…
In Lesson 21, Katherine asks us to surrender those elements of our lives “that do not resemble love,” “those things that frustrate love before we have any evidence that taking that action will produce the results we are after.” Marley and I spent some time on this word because I truly could not get passed it. Embrace versus surrender, seemed like a positive way to approach opening up the path for love. The former sounded better because it meant to me the possibility of being open and willing to whatever would or could come. The latter seemed like it would be a fierce battle ending in defeat or a pathetic resignation to whatever would or could come. Surrender evokes lack of energy, or deprivation while embrace encourages going on, moving forward, progress and acceptance. While processing, I had the general feeling that I was already so open and so willing to the process of self-progression that I felt there was not anything left for me to give up.
Searching for what felt right but also allowing what felt right to come and not being able to finalize this feeling and have a complete thought surrounding it did not sit well with me. After our weekly meeting, I allowed the notion of surrender to float around my mind. Marley and I concluded that I would see and be open to the notion. I settled on exploring this further and nothing more. I played with the different meanings and “tried on” surrendering. I committed to thinking about it in a different way.
And that night it hit me. If I wanted love in my life I had to yield to it. I had to submit to love so that it could capture me. I had to forego the battle and succumb to love and there was not one thing negative about that. I could not control love; it’s a verb for a reason. And so I meditated the following morning, repeating my mantra, “I will surrender. I am love.” CLICK. Something changed within me. I felt quiet, peaceful and full. I was love and it tingled within me.
After Week Three, I am left slightly shaky and pensive as I continue to reinforce my foundation; but I feel good knowing that I will sojourn the full seven weeks stronger and truly ready for love.
Have you surrendered to love?