Writing, Living and Shit That Blocks It

by P. Braithwaite

I’m having trouble writing lately. It’s as if a critic has crawled into my head and reads my posts with scrutiny and judgment.

It started when I shared a blog on facebook — it wasn’t my blog, but I thought the entry was cute so I put it up. Coincidentally, I overheard some coworkers making jokes and bashing what I posted. While it was funny at the time, the thought that I was being judged for posting it AND the blogger was being judged for writing it stuck with me.

I wonder if anyone reads my work and bashes me like this, was my thought.

Believe it or not, up until that point, I’d been somewhat free of that thought. I tend to blog like only people who love or understand me will read. It allows me to feel safe putting my business on front street.

That moment with my coworker made me realize that folks may judge unkindly. I have an irrational fear that people are laughing behind my back. A holdover from childhood, I’m sure…

Anyway, the critic that crawled into my head is a real asshole. That inner voice laughs at my vulnerability and makes fun of my feelings. Your gonna say that Out loud? You sound crazy and pathetic…

It’s really hard to write when you’re self conscious. It’s really hard to LIVE when you are hyper aware of what others might think…

While I’m not ready to just say “eff it” and share some of the inner feelings that are dying to come out, I will stay present to these feelings, stay compassionate to my own humanity (and occasional shame), and keep writing…even if I’m not ready to share what I’ve written just yet.

And maybe that’s the secret, to keep alive what is in your heart — even if you feel the need to protect it.

Stay well my friends. 🙂

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