5 Reasons Sports Fans Go Straight To Heaven

by P. Braithwaite

Those of you who know me offline (and on Twitter), know that I’m a teeny bit of a football fan. This is a direct result of the years my father spent parked in front of the television on Sundays. We have a good relationship, but sports and politics have always been a surefire way to engage my father in conversation. For this reason, I’ve always understood football and had a passing respect for the game; however, my fanaticism is a recent occurrence.

A few years ago, a friend of mine wrote a great post entitled “Letter To My Girlfriend About Football.” It was sort of a pre-season apology that men could give to their significant others before football season in an effort to prepare them for the road ahead. Though there are some sexist implications (I’m sayin’ tho, can I give this to my boyfriend??), I thought the post was really cute and funny. After all, sports fans can be a little intense about their sports.

That said,there are gifts that sports fans contribute to relationships. Yes, they can be annoying. Yes, I’m aware that domestic violence stats rise during NFL season. Yes, sports fans neglect you and you may find yourself asking questions like: “Do you love me more than you love you love Mike Vick?” or “Do you have repressed sexual feelings for Jessica Simpon’s ex-boyfriend?”

Even so, sports fans have redeeming qualities that make them unlikely spiritual teachers AND great partners (in the
offseason). Here are a few:

(A note to lady sports fans: This applies to you too. I just used the male pronoun for the sake of continuity.)

  1. Optimism
    At the start of the season he’s so full of optimism. He explains who they’ve traded and who looked great in the pre-season. Yes, he understands they went 0-16 last season, but every new season is a new beginning. The glass is half empty…until it’s not.
  2. Loyalty
    He’ll defend his team in an argument even when the world knows they’re trash. He might even wear the jersey to an away game. (putting himself in danger). If that’s not a great trait, I don’t know what is.
  3. Bravery
    See previous example of wearing the team jersey to an away game. (Yes, this can also be interpreted as stupidity.)
  4. Faith
    Here’s a confession — sometimes I don’t go to church so that I can watch a football game. Granted, this might not go over well with God, but the act of sitting in front of an event that you can’t control and hoping against hope that your team will pull through, is almost like having a religious experience. You must step outside of yourself and put your faith in something that you cannot see.
  5. Passion
    The ridiculous jersey, the ritual game food, the yelling, the cursing, the smell of stale beer — It’s not sexy in the moment, but all that heart, all of the energy spilling out of open mouths and clenched fists can be harnessed in the off-season, and directed toward you (unless they’re an all-around sports fan…then you might be screwed).

I know, I know, you overheard him yell out that the other team’s QB should die. Ignore that, I  swear, still waters run deep…

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