The Short & The Long of It

by P. Braithwaite

Short Story:

 

I’m a writer…
blogging…
about the book I’m writing.
The book…
is about men, God, and relationships.

Longer Story: 
I wish I was angrier. I wish I could take myself back to the moment where I sat in my room, sobbing into my black cloth journal, trying to figure out why he didn’t love me. There wasn’t anything particularly remarkable about him, but I believed in him. I believed in who I was when I was with him.

I wish I could describe how angry I was when he told me it was over.  I remember replaying the scene over and over… “she’s a Christian,” he had into the phone. “She understands me.”

(He couldn’t tell me in person.)

I wish I could adequately describe how unclean it made me feel, how dirty and unchristian I felt because I didn’t believe exactly what he believed. I can’t make you feel what I felt…because I’m not angry anymore.

I’m actually a little embarrassed that somewhere, in the shadows of my memory, I’m still crying and trying to make sense of what happened. But from the crying and journaling and self-pity came a hypothesis: How a man sees God gives insight into how he treats romantic partners relationship.

I’m not a psychiatrist, nor am I a theologian. I’m a simply a writer with an idea. That said, its a pretty intersting idea, and after three years, after countless interviews and conversations, I’m still testing  this thesis. I’m talking to men and talking to myself to find out what we believe about God, and how that manifests in our lives…I’m still fascinated. I’m still growing. I’m still interested.

And now ready to share what I’ve learned….

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