Men + Myself + God

On Standby

by Patia Braithwaite

ON NOWI will never forget the feeling I had when The Besticle came back the second time (only to disappear months later). I was so primed. I was so ripe and ready to be loved. I had done months of soul-searching and my heart was ready to explode. He called. I answered.

He was forgiven before he even asked.

The night we reconciled, I was a goner. The truth is, I felt love in the tips of my big toes. I’d felt love in my head before and I’d felt the warmth of my heart, but there was a tingling in my big toe that felt like glitter. It was warm and shinny. Intoxicating and exciting. I felt like I discovered my own magic.

I floated into my apartment that night, and stretched myself across the bed; then I called my three best friends.

“I feel love in my toes,” I babbled incoherently. “I’m going to go all into this. And so I need you all to hold the fear. I need you all to be on standby if this goes horribly wrong.”

My friends were gracious. They held my caution (and their tongues). They’d seen me through the first breakup, and they were happy I was happy. They knew, however, this would probably go wrong.

And, of course, it did. It went horribly horribly wrong…

Read the rest of this entry »

bell hooks has summarized my twenties.

by Patia Braithwaite

“It still took years for me to let go of learned pattern’s of behavior that negated my capacity to give and receive love. One pattern that made the practice of love especially difficult was my constantly choosing to be with men who were emotionally wounded, who were not that interested in loving, even though they desired to be loved. I wanted to know love but was afraid to be intimate. By choosing men who were not interested in being loving, I was able to practice giving love but always within an unfufilling context. Naturally, my need to receive love was not met. I got what I was accustomed to getting. Care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkindness, neglect, and on some occasions, out right cruelty.”

Bell Hooks, All About Love: New Visions

Bye bye…twenties. :)

by Patia Braithwaite

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