I broke up with That Guy. I think I’ll call him The Besticle. Actually, he broke up with me for various reasons that I’m still too confused about to get into — give me a few weeks to find a lesson and then I’ll be willing to share. Until then…I got nothin’…
Ironically, with the dozens of posts about forgiveness and healing surrounding my other ex, Dr. Dolittle, breaking up with The Besticle actually feels worse. I’ve been in denial for a long time, but it’s clear. I’m still adjusting…coming to terms with the fact that it’s over, and I’m really really sad about it. Like…really really sad.
Sometimes tho, sadness looks
like “getting back out there,” and in the wake of this turmoil, I found myself on Match.com filling out a profile and posting cute pictures. I added info: books I’ve read, favorite
movies, how much I love my life…blah blah. I can sound really cute and well-adjusted if I try. 
Anyway, I’ve connected with a few men, winked at a few, but during an email conversation with one particular guy, I was at a loss when he asked: So, why are you on Match?
That’s when it hit me that — I have to get the f*ck off Match.
Why? Because intention is such an important component to action. And when asked about my intentions, all I could think was: It’s a few weeks into 2013 and I am lonely, feeling rejected and unlovable. I’m feeling ugly and unworthy and much like a failure.
Don’t judge me, you guys. I’m being honest…
I started my Match profile in an attempt to feel desirable. I needed someone to want me the way I thought The Besticle wanted me. Without knowing it, I was asking for someone to validate me. External validation is the Achilles heel of my effing life.
Anyway, I didn’t tell homie on Match any of this. I actually haven’t responded, but after I do, I’m going to disconnect my profile and try to heal…
This is the part where I should lament for a few lines about how I’m so ready and deserving “of something real,” but the truth is, I am deserving and prepared BUT NOT necessarily READY for my soul partner. I’ve done so much inner work, I own my own emotional baggage and I understand my purpose in this life. But the truthier truth is…. I’m a little heartbroken. The Besticle was the first person I thought, “wow…I could do this forever and actually be happy.” Like the first ever. In my entire life. So out of respect for the gravity of the “forever thought,” I have to take some time and sit this out. I have to honor the validity of my feelings as they move out of my experience. And…even more…I have to mourn the ending of possibility.
Sometimes the hardest thing to let
go of is a really good idea. The Besticle and I…were a really good idea. So I have to sit with the hope, hurt, anger and rejection…until it diminishes. I’ll take my time, then I’ll be prepared AND ready to get back “out there.”
I don’t have all the answers, and I wouldn’t say I’m handling this well at
all, but this is what I know for sure: clear purpose and clear intention are central to emotional freedom and happiness.
In order to move through life in a way that supports our growth, we have to be aware of our intentions. We can’t just act or react (though that’s often the appealing option). We have to be clear before we act. Don’t misinterpret me: we don’t have to know the outcome, BUT we have to make peace with our own feelings and intentions. I have to acknowledge my feelings before moving forward.
I’m uncomfortable today, but I won’t be forever. And, while I am certain there are other fish in the sea, if I cast my net with the wrong intention…I’ll bring back things I do not want. And, if there’s anything that MTV can teach me, its that I must be clear about my intentions if I’m going to date (on and off the Internets). I won’t bring any ANY MORE impurities into my puddle of love. I have no interest in compounding my sadness and isolation.
I am only interested in releasing.
As I was reading this, I was listening to Matt Nathanson’s song, Come On And Get Higher. I couldn’t help but think of my own experience with “the one” and feel what you’re going through, it sucks when you think you found “the one” that could take you all the way to “forever” but they don’t agree. That initial pain is the longest, we look to justify ourselves to others when we really should only do so with ourselves.
In the end, you’re right, it takes time to recognize how awesome we are, but that doesn’t take away the sting of now.
Once the sting passes, we become more in tune with who we are. The only thing we, the Heartbroken, have to watch out for is being to guarded. Like you said earlier in another post, we gotta be able to take a leap if we are to fall in love. So don’t fear the leap Tia.
Posted by Rob McIntosh | January 31, 2013, 2:31 pmThis is like really beautiful and profound. Thanks Rob. I’m trying not to fear the leap… One day you’ll fall in love and I’ll fall in the love and the four of us will have brunch. And by brunch I mean…moonshine…in your backyard.
Posted by P. Braithwaite | February 7, 2013, 8:37 pmThe other night I was watching the Wendy Williams show and she was interviewing actor,Malik Yoba, and seemingly out of left field she asked him about his love life. He replied that he had a girlfriend with whom he was happy to have because a few years ago he was single and searching. However, he did not stop at that; this insightful man proclaimed that he had to go to counseling to work things out by himself before he entered a relationship and after with his girlfriend. Self awareness is what Malik attributed to his journey to self healing.
This came right on time for me as I get impatient with this journey of healing and opening my self ro future love. I applaud you for your honesty and ever present self awareness. Like really where would we be in life without perhaps happy but dullingly ignorant. Btw he suggested ppl go on relationships-help.com to help guide their relationships.good articles
Posted by Uria | February 1, 2013, 1:45 pmI think it’s comforting to think that somewhere…while we are impatient..are future partners are reading self help books, or are in a therapy session…making themselves ready to meet us… lol
Posted by P. Braithwaite | February 7, 2013, 8:39 pmI think I understand what you’re saying about identifying your intentions before you act. And I agree that it’s not good to just act without thinking through “why” you’re acting and “where” the desire to act is coming from. However, I also think that it’s perfectly fine to go out on dates *for the purpose* of making yourself feel good- even temporarily. It’s OK to let a guy (a facial, a mani-pedi, a movie etc.) make you feel pretty & desirable – especially if deep down you know you are.
I would probably have different advice for someone who seemed fundamentally broken (ie, they actually believe in their hearts that they are ugly & failing at life). But for those of us who essentially know who we are, but are feeling down – I think a little ego polishing is just what the doctor ordered.
Posted by Amicus | February 8, 2013, 3:41 pmHi Amicus! Thanks for your comment! I totally hear what your saying and I’m not above buying a new dress (read: jeans) or booking a spa treatment to feel a little bit better (look good; feel good) but I guess I feel that if deep down we know we are wonderful and desirable…we might want to sit with the feelings of inadequacy and work thru them rather than trying to cover em up. Otherwise we might make the situation worse. That said, as long as we’re not ignoring what we’re feeling…I think it’s cool to do little things that makes us happy.
Posted by P. Braithwaite | February 12, 2013, 3:01 pm